Forever
by Tiva4evaxxx
Summary: Her lips trembled, she opened her mouth to speak but the words refused to come out.What if Jenny hadn't died in Judgementday? This fic follows Jenny's battle against her illness right to the very end and the love and support she recieves. For Tay, forever
1. Chapter 1

**Hi guys! It's a new fic, i hope you like it. It's very sad though, so if you cry easily get the tissues ready for later chapters. Thanks Hannah for ideas with the title, i didn't use the one i liked, but i'm going to tell you what i am going to use that for when i PM you. Hayley i'm going to miss you, which will if anything at least be good for this fic. Love you all.**

**This fic is about what would have happened if she hadn't died in judgement day. It follows her journey fighting the illness till the end, and the love and support she recieves from Gibb's and the team. **

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, unfortunately.**

It was dark, and she could see the city lights out of her window – just, the rain was beating down, pouring. He was watching her, she could feel those piercing, all seeing eyes on her.

Her lips trembled, she opened her mouth to speak but the words refused to come out. She knew what she had to say, but the words just wouldn't come. Damn it. Of all the things, words had never failed her before.

He looked at her, concern etched into his face. It was not like Jenny to be speechless. Not at all like her. And she had called him up here to tell him something, at least that was what she'd said over the phone. What was so important she'd got him up here at this hour? It was 3:0am, and he'd sent the team home half an hour ago. The case had been tough. So why, just when they could go home, was he up here?

Gibb's knew Jenny hadn't been herself since the Decker incident, if Tony and Ziva hadn't got there in time she could've been killed, and they all knew it.

Jenny was still sat there in silence, a million thoughts running through the head. She kept telling herself she should tell him in person, when she got home that fateful night, after the long flight back to Washington D.C from LA, she had collapsed in her study. Wondering, about everything, about Natasha, her father, just how much danger her and Gibb's were in, about Gibb's…

Then she'd found that letter she had started to write. She thought she could've chickened out, and told him everything, all those feelings and emotion into one letter. She could've told him everything. But hell she owed it to him to tell him to his face.

She tried again, and this time slightly more successfully, "Jethro," she stopped.

She was grasping, struggling for words, for the right words, to lessen the blow, reduce the shock.

He just waited, patiently, still that worried look on his face.

She stood up and walked across to him, "Jen?" He said softly, questioning her, patience wavering.

"Jethro, I, I just want you to know before I tell you this, and don't run out on me, I love you." She didn't care, there wasn't enough time left to be worrying about telling him or not.

"I have for a very long time, but that's not what I asked you up here for."

She took a deep breath, and watched him, he was shocked at her sudden confession.

She took another deep breath, tears glistening in her eyes, threatening to spill.

"I'm dieing, it's – it's cancer." And then they spilled, and ran down her smooth cheeks, as she hastily attempted to brush them away.

Gibb's felt like he'd been hit by a truck.

Just the feeling, it was incomprehensible. This just couldn't be happening.

Not Jenny.

Anyone but her.

He couldn't believe it, he wouldn't.

No.

But it was true. And it was happening.

And the desperation the helplessness he felt, he hadn't felt before.

He couldn't fix this.

So instead of dwelling on it in that moment, he did something he wouldn't normally do, and pulled Jenny close to him, and held her.

Feeling her there in his arms, feeling that she was still there, was real. They both needed it, so he did it for her as well as for him.

She buried her face in his shoulder, and a tear, yes a tear, slid down Leroy Jethro Gibb's cheek.

They would deal with the consequences.

But in that moment, it was just Jenny and him and the world.

No one else mattered.

It was only them, alone, the rain pouring down.

**Please review. This fic is important to me - i had three people die within a year of each other, all because of cancer. The youngest of them was a Jenny, and this is for her. **

**So please leave a review telling me what you think, oh this will be a multi chapter.**

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	2. Chapter 2

**Hey guys, this is stupidly short i know, but i'm in a hurry so i'm sorry! Thanks for all the wonderful reviews, i can't thank you enough! As you know this issue is close to my heart. So here it is...**

Chapter 2

When Gibbs woke up the next morning, a feeling of dread dawned on him, he remembered everything. A part of him, such a huge part wished it had all been a dream, but he knew, he just knew it wasn't.

He woke up, with Jenny in his arms, on her couch in her office. He could feel her steady breathing, her body heat; he could smell that tempting and gorgeous smell that was Jenny. It felt so good to be holding her again. And god help him, he needed to tell her how he felt, if she was going to… he just had to tell her, he couldn't put it off any longer. There wasn't enough time now.

But he let her sleep. Looking at the clock in her office, it read 5:30am. They had time. Gibbs always had been an early riser.

So he lay, and watched her. Her fiery red hair, that had now reached shoulder length, he'd always liked it longer, and pale, delicate face. She looked beautiful, and peaceful.

After a little while, she began to stir.

Gibbs gently brushed a stray curl of her stunning, striking red hair off her face as she gently and drowsily woke up.

"What happened last night?" She asked stretching.

He did a famous Gibbs, half smile.

"Nothing like _that_ Jen, you told me." He said, his face suddenly falling.

"How much did I tell you?" She said still groggy.

"You mean, there's more than "I have cancer"?" He asked softly, in a panic.

She propped her self up, and took a minute or two to wake up.

"Jen?" He urged her to continue.

There were more tears in her eyes, like enough hadn't been spilt in the past evening.

"I'm sorry."

"Sorry that you have cancer, I know, so am I. But there's treatments, thing you can do, surgery and-"

God, what had she done by telling him? This wasn't Jethro, this desperate man in front of her. But he had always told her, "Everything's different when it comes to you Jen." He had been joking at the time, but maybe he was also being deadly serious…

"It's untreatable," she said, barely above a whisper.

"How long?"

"About six months." She said slowly, yet another tear falling.

Gibbs crushed his lips to hers, he had waited too long to do that.

"I tell you I have six months to live and you kiss me," she said as they finally broke apart.

"I couldn't wait any longer not doing it then could i?" He said, tears also shimmering in his eyes.

"I suppose not, no." Jenny said bring a hand up to his cheek.

"Which means I hadn't better put this off either, I love you Jen, I never stopped loving you."

Tears that refused to cease stopped her from talking. But their eyes spoke it all.

They really couldn't deal with all this emotion, at this time in the morning.

**Please review. Like i said it means a lot to me. It's also depressing to write... but hey. It's also kinda good to.**

**Please review**

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	3. Chapter 3

**I'm back from holiday :D And very happy about it! Sorry i haven't UDed in ages, i think i have about 10 ongoing fics... probably more. :P Thanks for the reviews from last chapter. Enjoy!**

Chapter 3

He held her scarf away, and rubbed soothing circles on her back as she threw up time and time again.

The chemo, it might give her more time, maybe another whole month or two. But was it worth it? To go through all of this.

She threw up again, "Shush, its ok Jen. It's ok sweetheart."

It had been a month already. A month of their precious time together. The team knew about Gibbs and Jenny together. They knew about her illness. She could remember their individual reactions…

She'd called them to her office, scared of how they would take it.

Tony had been the first to speak, "What? No, there must be some mistake, are you sure? No…" those had been his words, until Gibbs had looked him in the eye. And he'd seen the truth. There was no mistake. She was dying.

McGee, he'd looked horrified, like he didn't know what to say. So he just hadn't said anything at all.

Abby had cried, but quietly.

Ducky, who had already known had just looked her in the eye, his face full of regret and sadness. She didn't deserve this.

Ziva, Ziva had surprised them all. She had done something so un-Ziva like that Jenny had had to blink several times, along with everyone else in the room. She'd started to cry, and pulled Jenny into a hug. They were close, always had been since they met and formed a close friendship. She was sort of like an older sister to her. "No," she'd whispered in her ear. "Yes," Jenny had whispered back.

When she broke away the tears were gone, and she'd slipped back behind her mask, but subtly Tony had taken her hand, and rubbed his thumb up and down comforting her. The only one in the room who'd been oblivious was McGee.

They were being great. Tony was stepping in as leader when needed because Gibbs was at hospital with Jenny.

Ziva would sometimes go and sit with Jenny in hospital if Gibbs was needed at work, or simply because she wanted to help. McGee would do useful things like do the laundry or go food shopping. Ziva would support Gibbs (subtly), Tony would support Ziva, and McGee would… try support Tony. They were all helping each other, they had to or none of them would get though it.

Back in the bathroom with her head in the toilet, Jenny threw up again.

It was never-ending. Except it was. Because more than likely in another five months she would be dead.

She remembered vividly the day her hair began to fall out, the team had actually all been around to Jenny's for dinner. Ziva and Tony had said they would cook, and everyone had been stood around chatting, Abby, Ducky, Jimmy and McGee were having a conversation. Tony and Ziva were bickering with each other about how the meat should be cooked, both thinking their own method was right. Gibbs had his arm slung carefully around Jenny's tiny waist. She had lost a fair bit of weight with the aggressive treatment. She was listening and watching with amusement as Ziva threatened to kill Tony. And then as that didn't work, she threatened not to sleep with him for a month. Jenny laughed when his face went pale with shock, "Of course we'll do it your way sweet cheeks." He'd said smiling.

"I knew that would work," Ziva had grinned at Jenny.

"You wouldn't be able to resist my charm even if you tried to carry out that threat sweet cheeks,"

"You want to bet?"

"Well we could always test that theory out Ze-vah, I'm irresistible."

"Then why did you let me do it my way?"

"Because I couldn't take that chance, and I love you." He'd said pecking her on the cheek, leaving her glowing.

Jenny couldn't help but smile at them, they were so happy. They both deserved it.

Gibbs had caught her eye, and she could see the laughter there. Tony and Ziva had been together for a while by that point, they'd told Gibbs a little after they'd found out about Jenny, although they all knew by then anyway. Telling them had just been a formality.

They'd all been having a lovely time, and Jenny had been fiddling with her hair, when a tuft came out.

The hum of conversation in the room had fallen to a silence.

She'd not said anything, just turned and ran out of the room.

Ziva had been the one to follow her up to her room.

She sat with her and put an arm around her as she cried.

"You have gorgeous hair," she'd said fingering it. "Do you really want to loose it completely piece by piece?"

"Ok,"

"Ok what?"

"Cut it off,"

"Are you sure?"

"Then I can keep it."

So she'd set about with a pair of scissors and soon it was all gone.

"You look beautiful," Ziva had said,

"I look bald."

"And beautiful," she'd said smiling. Then she'd found a pretty silk scarf, and tied it around Jenny's head.

"Does that make you feel better?"

"A bit,"

"I still think you're beautiful, and so will Gibbs." She added.

She'd been so worried he wouldn't, now the one thing that really attracted her to him was gone – her fiery red hair. But when she eventually plucked up the courage to go downstairs, she was met with a warm reception of friends telling her she looked great.

And then Gibbs had kissed her, and whispered lovingly into her ear, "You're still just as beautiful,"

She'd needed to hear it from him.

And he'd read her mind. Then again, he'd always been good at that.

**Please review! I'd really appreciate it!**

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	4. Chapter 4

**Hey guys :) Another chapter. I spent the best part of today researching and trying to understand this, so i hope i got it all right. Not that some of you will know if i do, i dunno if i even copied the names right :P lol. This is the first fluffier chapter of this fic, it gets nicer towards the end.**

Chapter 4

T-cell prolymphocytic leukemia.

More commonly known as T-PLL.

It was an extremely rare, and requires immediate treatment after diagnosis. It is very difficult to treat and does not respond to most chemotherapeutic treatments, but with her the Doctors had to try.

The average survival time after diagnosis is seven months.

She'd seen countless hematologists since her diagnosis, it still didn't change the fact the symptoms sucked, and she was very, very sick.

She was currently undergoing the chemotherapy regime CHOP, which she found rather amusing seeing as alopecia (hair loss) was common. CHOP stands for Cyclophosphamide, Hydroxydaunorubicin, Oncovin and Prednisone. It was the normal procedure for TPLL cases.

She would wake up every morning, feeling like crap. And wonder why it was worth it, why she was putting herself, her body through this and taking all these medications when she was going to die soon anyway. Then she would roll over, and see Gibbs face asleep peaceful. And she knew he was the reason why. Him, and Ziva, Tony, Abby, McGee, Ducky – her family was the reason.

She was taking so many drugs, on top of the chemo there were antiemetics, to help with the nausea and vomiting caused by the chemo, ondansetron was what she was taking for that. Her second week, which is typically when neutropenia develops she was given prophylactically ciprofloxacin. And of course with her, during that period she had developed a fever. If this happens during the neutropenia period, urgent medical assessment is needed neutropenic sepsis because infections in patients such as herself with dangerously low neutophil counts may progress rapidly.

So at least one good thing had come out of this, apart from her and Gibbs getting together, and that was that her medical language had vastly expanded, so had Gibbs'.

Apparently CHOP was one of the less toxic chemotherapy regimes, so she dreaded to think what the other freakin ones felt like.

Oh and she'd almost forgotten the allopurinal that they were giving her prophylactically which they give her to prevent tumour lysis syndrome which comes as a result of rapid death of tumour cells.

She was just tired, and some days - days like today when she was sat in a hospital bed, and woke up, to bleeping machines and nurses all around her. Her lips swollen, and her throat sore from repeatedly throwing up. The only comfort came to her when she realized that Gibbs hand was intertwined with hers still and had been there all night. It was days like today that she felt like giving up but she couldn't, so as her eyes fluttered open wearily and Gibbs smiled at her and called for a nurse, she stayed quiet. Worried that if she spoke her heart would betray her and say things that she couldn't say because the words she wanted to speak, they would kill him. They would hurt him. And she couldn't bring herself to do that anymore than she already was, than she already had. She couldn't say 'stop' she had to keep going, keep fighting for all of them. But mostly for Gibbs.

"Hey Jenn," Gibbs said, smiling at her. She loved his smile so much.

"Jethro," she said softly, the soreness and dryness in her throat was clear in her voice, "Water,"

He jumped up immediately and fetched her some.

The cooling water felt wonderful on her lips, and she watched with curiosity as Gibbs flipped open his cell phone and pressed speed dial two.

"Hey Ziva, yeah she's awake."

He paused.

"You bringing Tony?"

He paused again.

"Ok," And then he hung up.

"What was all that about?" she asked, sounding much better.

"How're you feeling Jenn?"

"Like crap," she smiled, trying to be good humoured.

He tightened his grip on her hand, "I'm fine Jethro, now why did you call Ziva?"

"She wanted me to let her know when you woke up, you up to visitors?"

Her face brightened at the thought of seeing Ziva, and most likely Tony. "Sure, I'm good. Is Tony coming?"

"Yeah, but he won't stay he's gonna go into work to sort things, but Ziva'll stay."

"Are you gonna go into work?"

"I'm sorry Jenn; I have to, but only for a couple of hours."

"It's ok, life goes on." She smiled.

"You, you are my life Jenn." He pressed his lips to her forehead

"I love you," Jenny told him. She would never get tired of saying that, she was taking every opportunity to say it. It was like she couldn't get enough. All too soon she wouldn't be able to tell him it. Wouldn't be able to watch him smile when she said it, wouldn't be able to hold him close and whisper it in his ear.

She watched with joy as his face broke into a loving smile.

"I love you too Jenn, which is why, I'm going to ask you, Jenny Sheppard, will, will you marry me?"

Tears sprang to her eyes as soon as she realized what he was going to ask, "Yes," she whispered a tear running down her face, "yes I'll marry you."

"Are you sure about this?"

"Yes," he said.

"The chances are..."

"I don't care I love you Jenn, and I want to marry you."

She put her arms around him, and cried. Partly because she was happy, partly because she was sad.

One of their nurses, who'd they'd gotten to know quite well and view as a friend, Livi, came in and they broke apart.

She was immediately concerned when she saw the tears staining Jenny's face, "Jenn everything ok?"

"Well, you're invited." Jenny said to Livi.

She put her hands to her mouth, "Oh my god, you're, you're getting married!"

Jenny nodded, smiling.

"Congratulations, both of you. Ok..." She checked the results she had printed in her hand, "You're doing ok Jenn," she smiled at her sadly, "You're doing great."

She took some tests, and then Ziva and Tony arrived.

"Hi Livi," Ziva said as they walked into the hospital, smiling at the friendly, but all too familiar face.

"Hey Ziva, Tony. I'll leave you guys now," she smiled kindly at them all.

"Thanks Livi," Jenny said to her nurse.

"Not a problem Jenn." She said and turned to walk out the room, closing her door behind her.

"Ziva," Jenny said smiling at her.

"Jenn, how are you doing?" She said, taking her other hand and sitting down next to her.

"I have a question for you," Jenny said.

"Go ahead, ask." Ziva said, smiling at Jenny, but she could see the smile was strained.

"Ziva, will you be my maid of honour?"

Ziva's and Tony's faces were a picture; Ziva's mouth was hanging open. "Yes! Of course I will!" She hugged Jenny carefully.

"Congratulations Boss," Tony managed to stammer out, "Jenn."

"Thanks," Gibbs said.

"Thank you Tony," Jenny said.

"I can't wait to tell Abby," Tony said smiling broadly.

They all laughed, and for the first time a while, Jenny was truly happy.

**Please review guys!**

**I spent AGES on this one. Especially all them medical names. And Ali, i'm sorry you thought i had leukemia after that text *giggles* But i can assure you i don't :P**

**Again, please do review!**

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	5. Authors Note

**Hey guys,**

**I'm afraid i have some bad news - this fic is going on hiatus. A fanfiction friend of mine, i won't go into details, but she's sick. And i can't write any more of this right now, for obvious reasons. But i swear, i will finish this fic. It will be finished, if not for anyone else now for Tay. But i can't write it currently. To be honest it will probably come back into being properly on going some time after christmas. I may or may not UD randomly or if inspiration strikes me again, or if i do that and find it helps or whatever i may pick it up again. Really it does just depend, but i do love this fic and** **i promise i will finish it. Just not at the moment.**

**I'm really sorry, i hope everyone understands. **

**Thank you for your reviews and encouragement they mean the world to me, and hopefully it won't be too long before i pick this up again.**

**Thanks,**

**Emily xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx**


	6. Chapter 6

**This isn't an, i'm going to pick this up again completely UD. More a i had a short burst of inspiration. But it's something, and i hope you're still reading, even though i'm not UDing frequently. This isn't a very good chapter, sorry... but it just came to me. **

Chapter 5

It was hard to sleep in hospitals regardless of the situation. Even if she wasn't up all night, throwing up, the beeping and the constant movement makes it hard to sleep. Doctors and nurses are always around, and while they try to be quiet outside your room, it just doesn't work. It had been a week, since he proposed. And she accepted, there was another two before the wedding. If she was alive for that long. Being aware that your time is running out, isn't a pleasant feeling. But it's not the worst thing. The worst thing is watching everyone around you feeling your time running out too. Watching it hurt them, more than it actually hurts you. Maybe that was the real reason she couldn't sleep again tonight.

Gibbs was lying next to her, equally as awake. It was about four am and she hadn't fallen asleep yet. She wasn't doing too well.

In fact, she wasn't doing well at all.

Resting her head on his chest, her arm crept around him. "Promise me you'll be ok," she whispered.

"Jen-"

"No, don't you 'Jen' me, promise," she whispered, clutching her arm around him even tighter.

"It will be ok," he whispered back, putting his arms around her.

"No it won't," she said softly, her tears soaking through his shirt. "I'm going to die," she said, shaking slightly,

"Jen," he said, his voice catching,

"I need to know you won't stop living," They sat up on the bed, and he looked at her, but didn't say anything. He couldn't bring himself to. So instead, he leaned forward, and placed a soft kiss to her lips, "You need to rest," he said, kissing her again.

"Jethro," she said, tears running down her cheeks.

"Rest, Jen," he said soothingly, leaning back, wrapping his arms around her trembling figure. She buried her head into him and cried, he held her, cursing himself for being unable to put the thoughts running through his head into words.

He couldn't live without her. How could he lie to her, tell her that he would be ok? Maybe the nicest thing you could do for someone you love is lie to them. But he couldn't. Perhaps he was too selfish to do that, or maybe he just loved her too much.

"I love you," he whispered, holding her closer to him.

"I love you too," She whispered back, hanging onto him. Scared that if she let go, she'd slip away.

Tony woke to the sound of running water, and was surprised to see the spot next to him empty, and the light in the bathroom on. He clambered out of bed, and made his way there, glancing at the clock on the way that read four am.

"Zee, what are you doing up?"

She was stood in front of the mirror, she'd been splashing water on her face but fresh tear streaks were still evident.

"Hey," he said, closing the distance between them, and wrapping his arms around her, "It's ok, it's gonna be ok,"

She hugged him back, and he rubbed her back. "What's wrong?"

"I just had a nightmare Tony, it is nothing, I am overreacting."

"Why didn't you wake me?" He said softly,

"I did not want to disturb you,"

He broke away from her, and looked her in the eye. "It was about Jenny?"

Tears filled her eyes again, and she nodded.

"It's ok," He choked out, hugging her again, "It's ok," He said again, trying to persuade himself as well as her. "Come on, let's go back to bed,"

She followed him back to their bedroom, and he placed a gentle kiss onto her forehead. "We'll get through this," he whispered.

"Jenny will not," she breathed, her heart constricting painfully in her chest at the words.

He didn't say anything. There was nothing he could say, as they sat down on the edge of the bed, nothing he said, nothing anyone said would makes things change, make them any better.

He was just about to suggest they lie down, when Tony's mobile rang.

"Hello?"

"We need you two over here, now," It was Gibbs voice on the other end of the line,

"Boss?" Tony asked, dread filling him, he could see the same fear building up in Ziva's eyes.

"It's Jenny,"

**I'm so horrible... saying i won't UD again that soon. Please try be patient, i know it's hard... :P Anyway, i know it's short and not very good. But please review anyway.**

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	7. Chapter 7

**So i'm finishing this... it's not great. Okay so it's kind of a emotional shambles :P But for me i think the achievement is in that i actually finished it, no matter how bad it turned out to be. Massive thank you to those of you who have been reading, especially those who've reviewed, it means a lot. **

_"We need you two over here, now," It was Gibbs voice on the other end of the line,_

_"Boss?" Tony asked, dread filling him, he could see the same fear building up in Ziva's eyes._

_"It's Jenny,"_

Chapter 6 

"What's wrong?" he asked, terrified of the answer.

"It doesn't look so good, you should come, now,"

Tony swallowed, and he heard Gibbs hang up. "Tony?" Ziva asked, fearful, when he didn't answer, she snapped at him, "Tony?"

He looked over, and gently took her hand, "It's not looking good," he whispered, "Gibbs wants us over there, now,"

"Is...?" she whispered, unable to finish her sentence. He nodded his head slightly, and her tears began.

"It's okay, it's okay," he said, hugging her, burying his head in her hair. So thankful she was here with him, terrified for Jenny, but praying he could keep what he'd got.

"We should probably go," he said, knowing she understood what she was hinting at.

She nodded, the tears choked her up, inhibited her ability to speak. She began to quickly shove on some clothes, and scraped her hair up into a messy bun. Tony followed suit, and hurriedly got a few things together.

Within two minutes he was ready, and he turned to call Ziva, but stopped, "Are you okay?" Her back was to him, and she was shaking.

"I cannot be like this in front of Jenny, I have to hold myself together," It wasn't the right time to correct her, but perhaps that was exactly what she did mean. They all needed to hold themselves together, Jenny deserved that much. But he knew Ziva was struggling. He wished he could help her, but he couldn't help her anymore than he could help himself, no one, nothing, could help in this situation. He took a deep breath in, whatever happened tonight, he swore they would make it through – all of them. Not just him and Ziva, everyone, Abby, McGee, Gibbs... But he couldn't think about that now. She could hold on, a small voice in his head nagged at him, she might make it. He wasn't one to believe in miracles, but maybe... He tried to shake it off. It only natural to hope, he was just being human. But he needed to brace himself for the worst, that way, anything else was an added bonus.

"Tony?" She said, placing a hand on his shoulder, "We need to go,"

He glanced at the clock, exactly four minutes since Gibbs had hung up. A lot could happen in four minutes. "I love you," he said, his eyes burning into hers, passion and hurt and love filled them up.

"I love you too," she whispered, kissing him. And without saying another word, they left.

They arrived at the same time as McGee, and met him walking in. "Abby's already here," he told them, "Ducky's on his way." They nodded, and silently made their way up to Jenny's room.

They entered one by one, the air was heavy, an empty kind of sadness filled the room. Ziva's first thought was that it shouldn't be like this, it shouldn't be happy, but it shouldn't be like this. The sight of Jenny felt like shards of glass piercing her heart, she looked like a ghost, her skin was so pale, her body so small, so fragile, like she would snap any second. "I've not gone yet Ziva," she whispered, despite all of this her eyes were still so full, not necessarily of life, but of emotion, and it was clear just how full of life they had once been.

Her words were enough to affect Ziva, and her strong facade was ruined by the friend she loved so much. As surprising as it was to everyone, she was the first to cry, tears rolled down her cheeks and there was nothing she could do to stop them. "I am sorry," she whispered, and walked round her bed, sitting opposite to Gibbs, taking her hand.

"It's okay," she whispered to her as she cried, "You'll be okay,"

"I'll be back soon," Gibbs told Jenny, kissing her gently on the forehead, as they stepped out to give the friends some privacy.

"Time to say bye," Jenny said gently, "He'll be back soon,"

"No, you are... you can fight it," she said, her voice breaking.

"Ziva, I'm dying," she said, holding eye contact, "But it's okay, you'll be okay,"

As much as she'd told herself she would control it, as much as she'd told herself she would be strong for her friend, the words crippled her, and she broke down. "I am sorry," she managed to get out breathlessly, the clarity and truth in her voice taking its toll on her heart, making it hard to think, to breathe.

"We've had this conversation before, you can't always be strong,"

"But you always need to be," Ziva ended for her. Jenny smiled slightly, and nodded,

"I remember," she sighed, "But just think, I'm probably the only person in the world who can reduce Ziva David to tears in front of others," she teased, but then her tone returned to seriousness, "Really, Ziva, you can't always be strong,"

"I do not want you to go," she whispered, hastily wiping her tears away, with little success.

"No one can help it," Jenny told her, "This isn't anyone's fault, there's no one to blame," She knew how difficult that fact would be to Ziva, not having anyone to specifically blame, sometimes life dealt you tough hands, sometimes you survive, but they'll always be one time when you don't. She was the sort of person who needed someone to blame, an outlet for her anger, and not having that outlet could drive you crazy. "Don't push them away," she told her, "Especially not Tony, promise you won't."

Ziva shook her head, and more tears tainted her smooth, healthy cheeks, god this was hurting so much. "Please, Ziva, you can't blame anyone for this, don't punish them, and don't you dare punish yourself," she said, this time it was Jenny's turn to feel the moisture well up in her eyes, "Please, promise," she begged.

Ziva nodded, again robbed of the ability to speak, to breathe. Trying to take it all in, hoping, praying that she could keep her promise, no matter how hard it might be. She owed it to her.

"I'm going to miss you," Jenny said, crying silently.

"I will miss you more," Ziva whispered, hugging her friend tightly, it made her chest tighten, her heart constrict unbearably to think this was probably the last time she would do this.

"We've had some good times," Jenny said, smiling.

"Europe, NCIS," Ziva said, a small smile on her face too, "They were not all good," she said, and Jenny laughed, coughing slightly.

"No, but some of them were great," she whispered, coughing again.

"Are you alright?" Ziva asked worriedly,

"I'm fi-" she started coughing violently, each one shaking her body, and it wasn't stopping.

Ziva burst out her door, yelling for a doctor and Gibbs, and both appeared very quickly. A few minutes later, the coughing had stopped, but she didn't look so good. Ziva was clinging onto Tony, and he was happy holding her, helping her, even if it was just a little. Gibbs had returned to her side, and Abby, and now Ducky and McGee were saying goodbye, just a little more subtly than that. Gibbs watched her, smiling and talking to the friends. But she was pale, and weak, so much weaker than he'd ever seen her. Weak was not a word he thought he would ever consider for Jenny, but she did, she looked weak. And though he could see her talking with them, he could also see her fading, her eyes were more distant, and she kept slipping, further and further away from here and now, this room, these people. Him. And it hurt so much, it hurt so much that all he could do was watch. And it was selfish of him, but even at the state she was in, he wanted to hold onto her. Even if he had to go through this for forever, even if they stayed here in this moment, with her so close... she would be alive. He could touch her, feel her response, see her breathing – she would be _alive._ With Shannon and Kelly... it had been a shock. A huge shock... incomprehensible, but all the pain had come at once. So much pain that it got to the point where he didn't want to feel anymore, where he almost took his own life, but, then it got to the point where he couldn't feel anymore. He just couldn't. In some ways... in a lot of ways, this was so much harder. He hadn't stopped feeling for a while now. Feeling for Jenny, for him, for what he knew he would eventually lose – for what he couldn't protect, or save. It was so many different emotions, other than just loss. It was the building up to the pain that would come once she was gone, the anticipation of knowing how bad it is now, but knowing how much worse it will get later. Unless you've been there, it's so hard to describe all the emotions, and the selfishness. Because really, he knew, she would be so much more peaceful once she was gone. She wouldn't be suffering anymore. He wanted that for her, at least, but for him, it's just the beginning. Just the beginning of an inevitable torrent of anguish and pain.

He loved her so much, he knew he had to let her go. Not that he got a choice in the matter, but no matter how much he did love her, how much it hurt, he knew she couldn't take much more pain. He looked at her again, and, just like every time, it felt like a stab in the heart, each time though, it pierced that little bit further. Not long now.

"Jethro?" Ducky's voice shook him out of his thoughts a little, and he looked at his friend.

"Yeah?"

"It's alright," he said, but he looked concerned, not surprising really.

Gibbs looked round the room, Ziva was still clinging onto Tony, he knew everyone would take it hard, but out of the rest he worried for her the most. Another loss – it wasn't fair, hadn't they both had more than enough? Tony, him and Jen had a strange relationship, in a way they were close, but not in a way others could understand really. He would have it tough too, for the obvious reasons, but also because he needed to be Ziva's leaning post. She needed that. But the strain was clear on his face already, and it would be hard. His gaze moved to Abby and McGee, she was quietly crying into his shoulder, she'd come straight here without any makeup, she barely looked like Abby, and the sadness that clouded her emphasized that even more. McGee looked sad, worried about everyone, like Tony would be Ziva's post, he would be Abby's. Ducky would struggle, but he would handle it himself, quietly, though it would hurt him. They were close. She had so many people who loved her, so why did she have to go?

"Not long now," Jenny whispered, voicing his earlier thought.

The words being spoke left a stillness, a quiet in the air, a pain and a sadness. They were more shocking, coming from her. He could feel tears, but he had sworn he wouldn't cry, not until... not until later.

She looked so tired, "I love you," he whispered, kissing her gently.

"I love you too,"

Life wasn't fair. Of course, he knew that already, but it wasn't. He'd had her, all those years ago, he'd had her. Then he'd lost her. And just as he found her again, he would lose her again, except this time there would be no apologies, there would be no forgiving, because there wouldn't be another chance. She would be gone. And he would be alone. What was the point in second chances if you didn't ever get the chance to make them work?

He looked at Jenny, and she smiled, "Sorry I got sick before our wedding," she whispered, and he smiled sadly, the tears swimming in his eyes just about visible in the light.

"Promise me you'll be okay," she said, for the second time.

"Jen-" she looked at him, how did she still manage to scare him into doing stuff in her deathbed? She had one of those this-will-have-consequences looks on her face. It was ironic really, he thought bitterly, seeing as she'd be gone long before then.

"Jethro."

"I'll try, Jen," she sighed, and leant back. Closing her eyes for a second.

It was all she'd needed to hear really, there was no reason for her to cling on anymore. She looked around the room, full of people she loved, who loved her. In some ways, she wanted to cling on for them, but she was so tired. She could feel herself fading out, feel the life leaving her body bit by bit, and now she knew he would at least try, she could let herself fade. She didn't need to fight anymore. And it's the fighting that kills you, really. You try so hard, so very hard to cling on, and it drains you, it drains your energy. And you have to use all your energy for it, there's no energy left for love, when, in actuality, you're fighting because you want to stay because of it. But everyone has a breaking point, a point where they physically can't fight anymore, and she'd reached hers. "Jethro," she whispered, seconds before she knew she would slip away completely, "I do."

**Sorry the ending is kind of abrupt. But reviews would be... just yeah, reviews would great - so please do, if this fic made you feel anything at all, it would be really, really appreciated :) **

**Thanks so much to those who have read.**

**Emily xxxx**


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